Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
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Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus