HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
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gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.