HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
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Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.