Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
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Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.