HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
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for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Woke up against my better judgement again
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I am patiently waiting for your email
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.