Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I laughed at this way too hard.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
This hospital has everything
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Dietest Coke
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”