Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
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[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Autocarrot sucks!
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Hitlers gonna hitl
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.