Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
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Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
this is funnier than any friends episode
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
This did not end as expected.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
notice
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.