Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
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[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!