@djdarrellripley

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

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@MelvinofYork

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

@13spencer

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

@bigmacher

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

@Swishergirl24

A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”

@TimBarnes451

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

@gobmentcheese

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

@capnwatsisname

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

@vineyille

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

@bossy_bootz

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter