Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
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Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
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Expectations vs. Reality
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes