Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
You Might Also Like
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.