Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
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Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.