her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
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Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
At least my masseuse has my back.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”