Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
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Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
This hospital has everything
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away