Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
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I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
I falcon love using swear birds
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Kids, do not try this at home!
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?