HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
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My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
birds and squirrels envy us
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second