HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
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My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.