HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

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Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”


🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way


Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy


The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.


At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……


Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?


We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.


*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?