HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
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I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
reviewed some movies recently
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.