Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
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[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.