Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
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You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Leaving the Barbers like
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.