Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
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Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I need to get some bricks…
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
honestly, i need both:
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping