@markedly

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

You Might Also Like

@3sunzzz

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

@sarcasticmommy4

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

@JohnLyonTweets

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

@bewgtweets

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

@markedly

[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?

@TheToddWilliams

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

@rickolantern

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one