her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
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Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I only treason on days ending in y