Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
You Might Also Like
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.