her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
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Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.