HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
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My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.