HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
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This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
dutch so unserious
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol