“That’s what” – She
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
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[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.