HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
You Might Also Like
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
i prefer mine room temperature.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell