Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
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me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.