Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
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Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Livid.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.