Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
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“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.