Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
You Might Also Like
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Everyone’s family
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
dictator is short for richard potato
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.