Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
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Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.