HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
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[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.