Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
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What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.