Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
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It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
channeling her this year
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Check out the legs on this baby
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well