Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
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Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.