Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
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Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
I saw nothing