Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
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Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.