other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
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Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch