HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
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Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.