HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

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If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.


[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?


[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.


daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie


I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.


[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!


I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.


Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”


Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?