@LlamaInaTux

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

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@murrman5

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

@thrill_tweeter

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

@a_hoyhoy

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

@fdgrs19

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

@sweet_toof

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

@_sweet_ham

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

@DairylandDon

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

@pleatedjeans

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

@panmidwest

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch