…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
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The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Meanwhile in Canada…
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Denise please return my vape pen
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
saw this in a dream
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .