HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
You Might Also Like
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?