HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
You Might Also Like
how was your vacation
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*