HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
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I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say