Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
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5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.