Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Note to self: I am a note
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?