HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
You Might Also Like
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.