There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
You Might Also Like
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
People fear what they don’t understand:
4th grade math word problems
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids