Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.

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There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.


My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.


“A picture is worth a thousand words.”

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”


Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?


37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.


If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.


*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.


People fear what they don’t understand:

4th grade math word problems


I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.


“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids