Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
You Might Also Like
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.