her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
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I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”